My biggest accomplishment of 2020. It’s probably not what you think.

My intention for this specific blog is not to humble brag. Honestly quite the opposite; genuine, authentic stories through the filter of a nurse practitioner. This last year was hard, and I almost feel like that phrase is becoming cliché. Of course it was hard. Isn’t every year? My own personal 2019 was difficult and my family joked we couldn’t imagine 2020 being worse. We lost three of my grandmother figures in one year. My Dad’s Mom, Ruth; my Step-Dad’s Mom, Johanna; and my Mom’s Mom, Frances. Those losses for us in 2019 were devastating and we verbalized several times as 2019 came to an end that we bid it “good riddance”.

Well. This year held challenges that put most of us to our brink; our breaking points were pushed. We truly had our feet held to the fire in our own very personal ways. I’ll spill my most difficult and how I am working through it.

Anxiety meds. Yeesh. Even as a healthcare provider I held a stigma. I wanted to white knuckle through each battle. I wanted to be “tough.” I’ve had increasing anxiety since having AJ, my oldest. That new mom anxiety was very real; checking his breathing, making sure he had nothing else in his crib, tutoring and then quizzing BOTH grandmas on carseat straps. tightness, positioning, all the things. This “normal” anxiety grew this year to an animal I couldn’t control. Beginning this summer I was having nightmares involving my children nightly, sometimes several a night. I was worried about irrational things happening to my family. There’s a lot to unpack there and I dont want to get too too deep. I knew things were worsening so I logged online and took the Generalized Anxiety Disorder scale. (At this point I was generally working with kids so mental heath screening was not my forte.) I scored in the severe range. I was shocked. I truly thought what I was feeling was normal, maybe mild anxiety. Well, friends, I wasn’t. I was consistently irritable, worried about awful things happening to my loved ones, trouble relaxing… I ran the gamut. I called base for an appointment that day.

My wonderful on base PCM (primary care manager) took one look at my scale rating and started the most sincere, caring, and kind conversation I’ve ever had about my mental health. We discussed family planning, what symptoms were most bothersome and some of the other personal things affecting my mental health. He started me on buspirone 10mg daily and hydroxizine 10mg for increasing anxiety as needed. I take the second one nightly to help with the nightmares.

I’ve been on my medications for 4 months now and my progress has been great. I’m not having nightmares. I worry less about my family dying in some horrible way. I am more patient with my kids. Starting anxiety medication has been the best thing I’ve done this year, but something I put off for entirely too long.

I haven’t directly asked my husband but I do feel he’s noticed a difference too. We’re participating in dry January which honestly, a week in, has only helped more. I’m still tired from the pandemic, and anxious about the move but don’t feel so paralyzed by my anxiety. I feel functional. Its nice.

I’m working out several times a week. I ordered an Echelon bike and hope its here soon. Those endorphins are my FAVORITE. The strength and energy aren’t bad either.

I also plan to begin therapy on one of the newer online platforms. I feel this is best for me because of the coming move and this gives me the ability to continue therapy with the same counselor long term. I’m actually REALLY looking forward to therapy. My husband is wonderful and fully supportive but he’s not as talkative as I am. I love his hugs and acts of service, though.

Guys, this is SUCH a serious conversation. Please, PLEASE if you feel you could be suffering from anxiety, or depression I want you to feel empowered to get checked. Let go of any stigma. Stop “white knuckling”, you’re too important.

If you have other resources or a story you’re willing to share I urge you to post it below as a comment. Let’s be a community for each other. In 2021, I pray we can all be more gentle to ourselves. You’re priceless, friend.

Resources

National Suicide Prevention 800-273-8255

National Alliance on Mental Illness – this is their hotline page but has links and information on types of mental illness, finding treatment, crisis numbers, financial assistance, legal matters. So much info!

Tricare “Getting Mental Health Care”

Tricare– Programs and Resources

Healthline’s Top 10 Online Therapy Platforms